Scotty Betrayed Me
by Avescor
Summary: SI fic. A woman dies and wakes up in Dino's mansion. It goes downhill (uphill) from there. DinoxOC. Total crack. ["Signorina!" Mikan understands nothing. It's just a long string of [Italian Italian Italian]. Very fancy, very sexy, very lovely to hear. But absolutely pointless for her useless English speaking ass. "Do not parlez fucking Italiano, bitch." "...Parlez is French."]


**Author's Note: **Wrote this a while back and figured I may as well post. Hope you like.

* * *

**SCOTTY BETRAYED ME**

Mikan? Mikan. Mikan will do. She likes oranges well enough to be called one.

Mikan wakes up and remembers her past life. Suicide. Unable to cope with the shit life gave her. Little cruelties stacked up upon one another until she couldn't handle it anymore

Perfectly normal.

The whole community turned against her because her accusations of "abuse" and "rape" disrupt their peace. Sooner or later, you wonder why you bother living. Why you bother caring.

In one world, she cared enough to live. In this one, she didn't. Couldn't muster up the strength.

Curled up in her bed, wearing her prettiest dress and nicest makeup so her family wouldn't have to. Death was painful, after all. Then she took those pills. Died.

It was shitty.

Just like this.

"What, am I not allowed to die?" Unhinged laughter. "Can't even go to hell? Can't even choose whether or live or to die? Is this small thing taken from me too?"

"Can't you people let me have my choice!?" She shouts at the sky.

"Um..." The kid says. He's blond, brown eyed, and wears a suit. She ignores him.

"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY"

It doesn't work. There is no Scotty to save her. She's never even seen the show. At this point, it's just screaming random things at the sky.

"If I'm going to be fucking unhinged, then let me do it right! Don't get in my way, little boy."

"But...you're in my room."

She looks, examines the nice crown molding and old fashioned wall paper. The room wouldn't look out of place from a historical drama. It's more than she could've ever afford and all she ever dreamed off, before, in her idle, self concious daydreams of a hot, rich prince coming to sweep her away from all this nonsense.

The kid is young with perfectly dishelveled hair. Broad shouldered, with a height that towers over her. He's not bad looking, but too young.

"..." She ignores him again.

"Signorina!" Mikan understands nothing. It's just a long string of [Italian Italian Italian]. Very fancy, very sexy, very lovely to hear. But absolutely pointless for her useless English speaking ass.

"Do not parlez fucking Italiano, bitch."

"...Parlez is French." He responds in English. It's flawless, of course.

"Go to hell. I'm supposed to be dead, but NOBODY ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED. So now I'm alive. AT some...weird Hollywood drama set."

"..."

"Any questions?"

He raised his hand.

"Yes. Who are you, what is your name, and are you single."

That just about sums up their interactions.

* * *

**A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME**

Mikan isn't even Japanese. Dino thought she was-and wasn't that a silly name! Did his parents look at Dino the Dinosaur and think, why yes this is exactly what I'd like to name my future child!? Apparently so.

"How dare you. I'm Chinese." she said with the same, flat unimpressed look. "Have you never heard of Japanese War Crimes? What. An. Insult."

At the end of his rope, he howld. "YOU GAVE ME A JAPANESE NAME!"

Girl frowned so hard her brow frowned with her. "No, I just like to eat them. Mikan oranges," she clarified, "It's not that hard. Don't overthink it."

* * *

**ROMARIO**

"Boss! Stay back! We don't know where she came from."

He had that distinguished salt and pepper hair and the voice of a Dad. If he made a dad joke, she wouldn't be surprised. Very nicely tailored suit. Very nice.

"Romario! Leave it. She hasn't done anything."

"Your suit is very nice," she said politely.

"Who sent you!" Romario barked.

She barred her teeth (and half finished braces), "The land of the dead."

Dino screamed. Nobody shot her. Mikan frowned, disappointed.

"I was hoping you'd take it the wrong way and kill me properly," she confessed.

"I'd like to say I expected this Boss, but I really didn't."

* * *

**ON ITALY**

"This looks exactly like the anime. Weird. Did not expect that. Shouldn't Italy be more modern than this? I feel like Amano got it wrong, but I'm not even sure since I've never been until Italy should not look like it's straight out of the 1800's what the fuck Japan."

"..."

"There should be old buildings and chic, modernism that's mostly black, white, with lots of sexy curves and bright pops of color. I admit, I'm disappointed."

"Sorry to disappoint," Dino said sarcastically.

"You're so cute." She said with an absent minded pet on the cheek. "Hahaha I'm totally out of it right now. Am I on drugs? I feel like I should be on drugs."

"That's why we're taking you to the doctor. He's the best in the business."

* * *

**DOCTOR SHAMAL**

Said doctor was attractive. Really attractive. She normally wasn't attracted to Middle Eastern guys (lie, those guys that got banned from Saudi were smokin') but damn. Like what the fuck take me now sexy.

"Signorina Mikan...you said that out loud." Romario stage whispered.

"I get off at four pm," the good doctor said with a wink.

"Nope. This was all a terrible, terrible mistake." Dino manhandled the unresisting her out the door. "Good day, Doctor!"

"Call me," she mimed to the doctor.

"What does he have that I don't?" Dino muttered on the drive back to the mansion. "And don't flirt with other men than me. Especially if you don't mean it. This isn't the US, Mikan. Men here will think you're serious."

"Fine...stingy."

"Stingy!?"

Hahaha mansion. More like castle. Those rich bastards. Mikan was still convinced this was a dream. Ahahahahahahaha. Please tell me this is a dream and that I'm either alive or dead. Maybe this is heaven? She expected St. Peter and God or the devil not...this mindfuckery.

What the hell, man.

"I thought we were cool," she said during her morning prayers.

_We are. _Was the response. Was that the response? It felt like it was. There was that familiar sense of peace. So probably?

* * *

**ON DINO**

The upper echelons of the Cavallone family sat around the long table in the first meeting room. First meeting room because this was Serious Business.

"No, seriously, what does he have that I don't? I called this meeting to know what you guys think."

"Multiple degrees, including a doctorate? The ability to speak more than seven languages? Immortality?"

Dino stared. "Immortality?"

"My Nonna remembers him saving her from influenza...when she was five."

"..."

"I'm sure that's not it, though, boss." Bruno added hastily, "it's not like she knows."

"Didn't she say she came from the land of the dead?" Ivan murmured.

There was a round of agreements.

"I always took it to mean she came close to death and came back."

"With flames like those, is it any surprise?"

An abrupt silence fell over the room. They all looked towards the boss. Dino was sitting in his father's leather seat, arms folded. He leaned back and gave a resigned sigh.

"I might need to call Reborn again," the boss admitted.

* * *

**REBORN**

"Useless Dino, why did you call me."

"There's a woman..."

"So your hormones have finally hit."

Dino's cheeks heated.

"Reborn!"

"I was wondering how long it'd take."

"That's-that's not the point! She's leaking flames. I need your help. And maybe if you can convince her that I'm not a teenager."

Reborn, horror of horrors, laughed.

* * *

**THE MAN FROM ITALY IN ITALY**

"This is my tutor, Reborn."

"Ciaossu."

"You have a talented tailor, Signore." Her face lit up with a grin. She turned to Dino, "Ha! See! I'm totally using Italian!"

"I'm very proud of you, Mikan."

Dino's words tumbled out of his mouth. Cognizant of his (former?) tutor being right next to him, he froze. A quick gaze told the young boss that Reborn wasn't paying attention to him. Instead, his eyes were glued to the woman standing before him.

"Hmm..." he said as he looked her outfit up and down, "you have a very peculiar taste." Dino tensed. "I like it."

"Ah!" Her face brightened, "Thank you! I like yours too."

Are you kidding me! Did you forget why we were here? Reborn!?

* * *

**A VERY PECULIAR TASTE**

"I have a more modern, urban style," she agreed, "but not as scandalous as some of what other people wore where I'm from. I wanted to get some cheap earrings from China, but they're actually..." she made a face, "this China is different from the China I'm used to. There's like a weird Quasi Qing Dynasty. The fuck am I supposed to watch Yanxi Palace now?"

Reborn turned to Dino. "I completely understand." He pulled his fedora over his eyes. "I'll do my best."

The blond's eyes shimmered in gratitude. He clasped his hands. "You're the best, Reborn!"

"Cheap jewelry will turn your ears green."

(Dino crashed onto the floor.)

"Um...fairly certain they don't. Even fashion houses had China do most of the construction and manufacturing nowadays. Back then." She pouted. "I forget I'm not in Kansas anymore."

"I got that reference!" Dino exclaimed, delighted.

Reborn tilted his fedora forward. "We have a lot of work to do."

"Why are you look at me like that?" She asked obliviously.

* * *

**NOT ANOTHER TEENAGE MOVIE**

Reborn tried to get her to wear the dress all of two seconds before she set it on fire.

"This is an affront to fashion and beauty everywhere."

"How dare you. I picked that out myself."

"Umm..." said Dino as World War Three broke out in his parlor. "Can you not?"

* * *

**BACK TO BUSINESS**

"Do you know what flames are?"

Mikan gestured for him to continue. Unfortunately, it meant something completely different in Italian. Dino winced.

"We're working on that," he assured Reborn.

"She's American," his tutor said. "It's to be expected."

_He's looking down on her!_

* * *

**FLAME CONCEPT**

"...and that's how it is." Reborn explained.

Mikan furrowed her brows in thought. "So this is for real?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"If you didn't think it was real, would you have been able to set that dress on fire with your strange flames?"

"No offense, but I still have trouble believing this is real and not some weird drugged up dream most of the time."

That was when Dino couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You debated with Reborn on whether or not Rain flames can cancel out illusions perfectly! For two hours!"

"Not everyone is as barbaric as you, useless Dino." Reborn shot back.

"Hey!" She said indignantly, "He's not useless! Don't bully him like that."

"Hmmm...I'll give her a pass. She's more than qualified to be your wife, Dino."

"...thank you? Tiny man in baby form I just met?"

Reborn pulled out his gun. "How do you know that?"

"Don't! Reborn! She doesn't know about those things!"

"Is that a squirt gun?"

* * *

**ARCOBALENO**

"So you concluded it based off of my behavior?"

"How can anyone not? Babies are entirely reliant on their caregivers. You obviously aren't a baby."

Reborn put his gun away.

"...keep me updated," he told Dino as he nonchalantly strolled out, suit case in hand.

"That's it!?"

"Just ask her out on a date."

"YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME THAT OVER THE PHONE!"

"You've got a lot of guts shouting at me like that, Useless Dino."

"Eeep!"

* * *

**AGE IS MORE THAN A NUMBER**

He asked her in the gardens, when the wind blew up enough petals to make the situation suitably romantic. She shot him down. No hesitation.

"No. You're like, sixteen. That's illegal."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm twenty two!"

"I'm like four, five years old than you. You're basically an embryo."

"Just show her your manly, cool side Boss!" Romario whispered from behind the tree, "show her you're a mature equal!"

* * *

**MANLY, COOL, AND MATURE**

"What do I do, Squalo?"

Squalo laughed for three hours straight.

* * *

**SQUALO**

"VOI THIS GUY IS TOTALLY LEGAL. HE'S THE SAME AGE AS ME!"

"Well...if he's the same age as you, I guess he must be an adult after all..."

Squalo smirked. Dino cried into his pillow that night. The next week, when he was swimming in the pool, he caught her checking him out and then looking away with flushed cheeks.

She still refused to date him though.

"I need to make sure you're serious. I'm very serious about these things. The last time I trusted somebody like this, he was cruel and immature. I need to make sure you aren't going to be the same."

* * *

**COOL, MANLY, AND MATURE REDUX**

"VOI THIS GUY IS TOTALLY COOL, MANLY, AND MATURE! NOW DATE HIM!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

It was a total fiasco. The lawn was ruined.

"Hmm...not bad." Squalo said as he left.

* * *

**ON DATING**

"VOI I'M SICKING OF HEARING ABOUT YOU. IT'S BEEN A YEAR. JUST DATE HIM AND GET IT OVER WITH!"

Well...it wasn't like she had anything against him. He really was mature and responsible, a reliable sort of person. And he loved his family. And he cared about everyone he met. And he owned up to his wrong doings. And he was really nice and smelled really good.

Still. Principles must be kept.

"He can't afford me," she sniffed. "I'm not obligated to give him a chance."

"Voi...this castle is his."

"Castles are expensive to maintain. I would know. I balance the budget for him."

Squalo laughed for an hour and then left to tell everyone else. Everyone else laughed at Dino for two hours straight.

* * *

**AFFORD ME**

He took her shopping. Mikan stared, eyes wide. This was classy and modern as fuck. She turned to Dino.

"Are you my sugar daddy now?"

"You know what? Sure. I am."

If he'd known that was all it took, he would've taken her shopping sooner. Seems she wasn't that different from a typical woman after all. Then she tried to pay him back and he changed his mind.

"I don't like huge differences in power dynamics between couples."

"I'll...I'll give you all the power, so please put away your wallet."

* * *

**SUGAR BABY**

This is a shounen manga. So it wasn't like a real, legitimate Baby-Daddy arrangement. Dino took care of her and in return, she helped him file paperwork. And sometimes acted as date to the balls. Get information through casual conversation with the other women. Made sure he was eating correctly. If the men had concerns and he couldn't handle them, she did. Mediated arguments as well as she did political discourse way back when. That kind of thing.

It was a tough job.

Basically everything she did before, but with added hand holding and cuddling.

"Isn't that what a wife does?"

Mikan frowned. "No. Wives get to have sex, but here I am. Doing this shit without any reward for it. As virginal as the day I was born."

Dino grabbed her hand, eyes shining, "then? Can we?"

"No. That's against my religion. I'm waiting until marriage."

"My cousin's a priest," somebody shouted.

And that's how they got married...NOT.

"Four seasons and a road trip! I refuse until then!" She responded stubbornly.

* * *

**SPRING**

"Pleeasse?"

"No."

"What if I buy you the spring-summer collection for that nail polish brand you like?"

"I'll do your paperwork?"

Dino hemmed and hawed before agreeing. She did his paper work for that season. What? It's not like Reborn was there.

* * *

**SUMMER**

* * *

**AUTUMN**

* * *

**WINTER**

* * *

**FALL**

* * *

**YES I KNOW FALL IS AUTUMN SHUT UP.**

* * *

The writer didn't bother writing the rest.

* * *

**ROAD TRIP**

"We're going to Japan!? Isn't that expensive? Can we afford that?"

"Mikan...you balance my accounts. Didn't you see how much there was?"

Mikan stared. "Are you kidding me? With how much I process every day? Those are just numbers to me. It's entirely abstract except for when I need to see it differently."

"..."

* * *

**JAPAN**

"I want fried maple leaves." She demanded.

It was a little out of the way, but that's what why they came early to begin with. To go sight seeing.

"Our private suite has a private pool? I saw that in...was it Junjou Romantica?"

"I don't know what that is."

"Basically, they %#* in the pool."

"Can we?"

"No. Respect my religion like I respect yours, Mr. I only go to church on major religious holidays...only after marriage."

Dino rubbed his hands together. "I can wait," he promised.

* * *

**DECIMO**

"You're so adorable." She said as she squished Tsuna's round cheeks. They were soft and fluffy.

"Um..." Tsuna said, wide eyed.

_This is the first time a girl that's not my mother touched me!_

"So cute!" Her arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace. "Can I take you home with me?"

"LAMBO-SAN IS NEXT! LAMBO-SAN WANTS CANDY TOO!"

"LET GO OF JUUDAIME, WITCH!"

* * *

**DECIMO, AGAIN**

"The Momokyokai are real!?" Tsuna shrieked.

"It's ok," Mikan said in between bites of omurice. "I talked to the boss of the Momokyokai. He's perfectly ok with testing out some of his rookies. Your Mom is such a good cook Tsuna! I asked her to marry me, but she said she was already happily married."

Dino felt betrayed. "You just met her!"

* * *

**LOVE RIVAL**

"Dino-saan...can you please stop trying to one-up my mom."

"She'd have to notice for it to count," Reborn said from his perch on Tsuna's head.

Dino fell into despair. He holed himself up in some dark corner of the house. Tsuna reluctantly followed at Reborn's urging. It wasn't as if he didn't understand a broken heart, after all.

"Di-Dino-san, could you stop growing mushrooms in my house?"

"You'll have to be better if you want to win over Sawada Nana," Reborn said with a shake of his head.

* * *

**DESPAIR**

"It's ok, Dino. I still love you best," she cooed as she combed her fingers through his hair.

Dino sighed in relief. He laid his head in her lap, arms wrapped around her waist. Content in knowing she wasn't going to leave him for anyone else.

"Besides, Nana-san's married."

_Does this mean you would've left me if she weren't!?_

* * *

**WEDDING**

Bianchi's, not theirs.

"Do you think we could have a wedding like this?" Miken sighed.

Dino laughed awkwardly. "Maybe with less poison."

It was a grand event. The event of the year. As usual, Mikan took care of expenses.

"I love your cooking!" Mikan told the caterer in between bites of the cake.

Dino turned green.

"It's filled with love," Bianchi responded, "I hope Reborn and I can have a true wedding like this in the future."

They were the only two who ate anything.

* * *

**WEDDING**

Mikan insisted on inviting everyone. New Best Friend Bianchi did the catering. It was a disaster, but there were some highlights. Namely, the wedding vows.

"...without realizing it, I fell in love with Dino. Thank you Dino, for holding my hand all throughout my readjustment period and after. I hope you'll continue to hold my hand for an eternity."

Dino sniffed back his tears and nodded, unable to say another word.

* * *

**WEDDING NIGHT**

"I'm a zombie, aren't I? Necrophilia is illegal. Put your clothes back on."

"But I'm a mafia boss!"

There was the soft sound of snoring. Mikan had fallen asleep. Dino cried into his pillow that night. Five minutes and he was out like a light. The day was tiring for the both of them.

* * *

**FUTURE ARC**

"You're like a very bad Targaryen wannabe."

Byakuran perked up. "You know Game of Thrones?"

"Who doesn't?"

It turns out Mikan wasn't actually a zombie, just somebody from a different dimension.

"The truth is, Byakuran isn't even my real name. It's just what I'm called in game." Byakuran confessed, "I've been trying to get home ever since I woke up one morning."

"That's terrible." Mikan sympathized.

"So I need to combine the trinisette and to do that, I need to take over the world."

"..."

"Nothing personal. I just need to get back before my girlfriend loses her shit."

"Why don't you bring your girlfriend over?"

There was a moment where fear clouded his face.

"...I didn't think about that." He laughed awkwardly, "but I'm going to try this method first."

_Aren't you just scared of your girlfriend!?_

* * *

**AFTER FUTURE ARC**

"I brought my girlfriend over, just like you suggested!"

His girlfriend made a slicing gesture towards her neck.

Mikan smiled awkwardly. "I like your headscarf?"

"It's a hijab." She said shortly.

"Sorry," Byakuran said with a sheepish rub of his head, "she's been in a bad mood ever since I brought her over."

"Now, I will never know how Breaking Bad ended...this is all your fault! Couldn't you have at least waited until the end of the last episode? Why am I still dating you!?"

Mikan felt kind of bad for her.

* * *

**BYAKURAN' S GIRLFRIEND **

"You did what!?"

Byakuran's girlfriend crushed a water bottle in her hand. He hastily put his hands up.

"Only the future me! Current me did nothing wrong!"

"..."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to be with you again."

"Oh is that all? Awww how sweet! You tried to take over the world all for little old me! I love you too!"

The air was filled with lovey dovey hearts. Everything was forgiven.

_I can't understand these lovey-dovey people,_ Mikan thought with a disgusted expression.

Then she went home and tackled her husband. When Dino emerged from his office five hours later, there were kiss marks all over his face. I'm so glad you're not a dimensional traveling weirdo who would rather take over the world than face my displeasure! You're a real man, Hubby! A real man!

* * *

**PEOPLE**

No.

* * *

**RED HAIR**

"Your hair is so distinct and beautiful..." she said enviously, "I wish I could pluck it out and wear it on my own head."

"...what are you trying to say?" Enma asked lowly.

The Shimon boss looked onward as she carried most of the conversation by herself. When Tsuna came to save him, he asked who she was.

"Oh, that's Dino-san's wife."

"I heard she was a gold digger...she's a lot smarter than I thought she'd be."

"Don't believe them," Tsuna said hastily, "she helped us out a lot in the past."

* * *

**FLASHBACK TO THE PAST**

_Or rather, future that never was. When the children and girls got worried or upset, she and Bianchi did a lot to comfort them. The usual. Then when Yuni came, she grabbed the innocent loli and ran for it without seeing what anyone else would say._

_"YOU LEAVE THAT LITTLE GIRL ALONE, YOU FUCKING CREEP."_

_When Byakuran tried to fly towards them, she hissed, "I'm telling your girl!"_

_He flinched before realizing she didn't even know who he was much less that he even had a girlfriend._

* * *

**INHERITANCE**

"Anyways," Tsuna said, wincing at the memory, "she's a friendly person. Even though she says weird things sometimes, she's not a bad person."

"She didn't seem like she belonged in the mafia, is all."

"Yeah sometimes I wonder how she got involved too. I think it was through Dino-san."

"Did she know he was mafia before all this?"

Tsuna didn't know. Whatever he was about to say was overshadowed by loud screams. They both ran towards the source of the noise.

"JULIE!"

* * *

**POSSESSION**

"You have a lot of courage doing this in front of me, demon." Mikan said angrily, "LEAVE THAT INNOCENT BOY ALONE! GET OUT OF HIS BODY."

"Urk"

"I'm going to send you back to hell," she seethed as she hit him with the contents of her purse. Salt flew out of it and washed over him before scattering all over the grass. Everybody watched in horror.

_Why are you carrying a purse full of salt!? _They all thought.

"It's a good thing she wasn't around when I was attacking you, Vongola." Mukuro suddenly said.

* * *

**DEMON**

"I'm not talking about it."

"Ok," said Dino with a nod, "I'll wait until you're ready.

Apparently that was a turn on.

* * *

**GRATITUDE**

"Shimon owes you a debt of grattitude," Adel said stiffly, "if you hadn't saved Julie, we would've been manipulated into something unforgivable. We are in your debt."

"Then I'm grateful I could help. People like them deserve to go to hell. Picking on an innocent boy like that..." she cracked her knuckles, "why I oughta..."

"You seem to have a strong sense of justice. Why is a woman like you in the mafia?"

"Oh. Well, I tried to commit suicide and found myself in Dino's room. He saved me, in a way."

No one knew what to say to that.

"Wow," Koyo said, impressed, "there's finally someone as miserable than you, Enma."

"Too bad she's married..." Julie sniggered.

"Yeah too bad." Enma said.

_I want to fall in love too_, he thought enviously.

* * *

**LADY GAGA**

"Can I have your autograph?"

Shitopi nodded. "Sure."

"I love your singing voice. It's so powerful!"

"Thanks."

The rest of the Shimon famiglia stared. _You can sing!? Since when!?_

* * *

**ACTUAL DAEMON SPADE**

"I just wanted...Elena.." he sobbed as he laid himself artlessly on her office floor, hair flying, locket open just enough for you to peer at the beautiful portrait within. "I wanted to make a Vongola she'd be proud of!"

Mikan was unimpressed.

"Did Elena ask you or did you, like a typical man, decide to do it for her? In her name?"

"..."

"**Well?" **

Daemon abruptly stood up.

"It's about time for me to go to the afterlife. Thank you for listening, Donna Cavallone."

* * *

**CURSE OF THE RAINBOW ARC**

Mikan went sight seeing. That's it. She's a lover, not a fighter.

"Oooh! I definitely have to take a picture of this! Hold my bag, Ivan."

Ivan held her bag.

"Too bad Dino's missing out on this...oh well!"

* * *

**END/REVENGE**

"So you're all zombiefied former curse babies?" Mikan asked curiously.

"...close enough." Bermuda said crisply.

"So you're like me then! I too felt regret and the passionate burn of an all consuming vengeance!"

That garnered Bermuda's interest. "Is that so?"

"Nope." Dino dragged her away before she could say anymore. "We are not getting involved with the Vindice. They're basically Mafia Azkaban, Mikan. Mafia Azkaban."

Mikan huffed. "Ok, I guuuuueeessss. Probably wouldn't be good for the baby."

"!"


End file.
